Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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