woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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