I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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