You just made me feel so damn special
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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