Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
