need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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