So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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