i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
