I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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