he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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