Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
God, I missed his penis.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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