my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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