The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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