he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
