only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
