so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize