it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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