last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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