i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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