I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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