:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
