I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
