I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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