I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize