so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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