I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
