apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
