I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
