I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
