I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize