my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
