I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
