Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Vodka?
Forever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
