does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize