The best revenge is premature balding
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
