I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
