I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
