Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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