my vag is so smooth its legendary
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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