I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
