Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
