i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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