I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
