I like to think it a success when the cops are called
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
