.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
