That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
