Your face is a jimmy john
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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