two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
