I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
