it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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