There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
