You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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