note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
be right there i have to get my cape
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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