i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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