guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
