that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
