youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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