hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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