You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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