i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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