I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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