I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
