Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
