Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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