I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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