Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
this is an emotional support booty call
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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